August 19th marks a rather special 10 year anniversary for me.
On this day in 2005, I was having open heart surgery at the Bristol Royal Infirmary.
It was the culmination of several years of declining health, struggling to accept my limitations, and a very long wait to see if I could be ‘reborn’ at least as good as I had been before.
Was I scared?
Yes.
For a control freak like myself, surrendering your complete being into the hands of someone else who literally held your life in their hands was no mean feat.
But underneath it all, I was strangely relieved.
Looking forward. Hopeful that my life would be better. Dreaming that those parts of my character that I had pushed into the background in the preceding years would blossom again.
I had started to feel that I had lost part of my identity – the part that saw myself as Beth the athlete – and I had struggled as I found people treating me as Beth the sick person instead.
In fact, my way of coping was to hide the situation from all but my closest friends, and I still don’t find it easy to talk about now.
I certainly had those ‘why me’ moments, when I questioned why the athletic me, who wanted to excel in endurance athletics (and to be honest had done pretty well in spite of my less than perfect plumbing) had been lumbered with this condition.
I was frustrated and at times angry.
And then I wondered if all those years of competing and pushing my body had been because, and not in spite of my heart. My way of giving it the finger and an attempt to prove that I was alright.
I had never known a life without my heart condition. From an early age I remember the doctors’ appointments, the hospital visits, the time off school with this chest infection and that.
I vividly recall when, as a 9 year old in the run up to my previous surgery, I was not permitted to take part in PE classes, and was forced to sit at the side of the room and watch my peers do games.
I certainly wasn’t a sporty child, but I didn’t want to stand out!
I suppose that it wasn’t until I went to university and acquired what Americans term the Freshman 15, those 15 lbs which new university students seem to mysteriously pack on, that I thought about taking up running.
At my next annual follow up appointment at the hospital, I asked my consultant if it would be ok for me to start running. He smiled (I guess doubting my commitment) and answered that it would be fine ‘providing I didn’t want to run marathons’ or the like.
To be honest, I don’t do well with ‘can’t’ and ‘shouldn’t’ – my Grandmother used to say that I should have been called Mary, as in quite contrary – and so the seed was planted.
After graduation I moved to America, continued taking part in running races, then bought a bicycle, before adding in swimming. Before long I was competing in long-distance triathlons several times each month, training 10-20 hours per week and loving life.
My ambitions and ability soared together, and over the next 9 years even I will admit that I was reasonably successful as a local recreational athlete.
To be honest, aside from a fading sliver of a scar down my chest, I had few reminders of my cardiac history.
It wasn’t until October 2003, after I had moved back to the UK, that it became very apparent that all was not well heart wise.
Looking back, I had been experiencing increasingly frequent episodes of rhythm disturbances for a number of years, but in my naivety (or was it denial?) had always assumed that this was normal.
After a particularly torrid weekend when I finally admitted that I was in trouble, I dragged myself to the GP, back into the medical system and ultimately into the care of the congenital heart team in the south west.
It turned out that I was in ‘a spot of bother’ – not the sort which was likely to kill me instantly, but one which would lead to an increasingly poor quality of life and my ultimate demise if left untreated.
And so began the long wait for surgery to sort it all out. Do it too soon and you guarantee that the patient will need even more interventions during their life (the average lifespan on a valve before it needs replacing again is somewhere around 8 years). Leave it too long, and the patient is unlikely to fully recover and will be left with an increasing risk of complications.
Add to that the basic surgical risk – it never seems like a particularly good idea to opt to have your sternum sawn in half, to go on a bypass machine and then have your heart dissected with a scalpel – and you can see why the precise timing of an operation is not 100%.
For me, that big day finally came on August 19th 2005.
I had made peace with the world, drawn up my will, and surrendered myself to whatever happened.
I was in a very different place than I had been for my previous surgery as a 9 year old. I was an adult, with a clear understanding of the risks involved.
Thankfully, my Mum was still there to support me (my Dad had died several years earlier), and I am sure that she must have been more worried than I was.
One of the things that I have learned over so many years of working with people with long-term medical conditions, is that in many ways it is harder to be a family member than a patient.
I remember well being wheeled down to theatre and feeling very at peace with where I was in my life.
The immediate post-operative period went as expected and I happily left the hospital 6 days later.
I worked hard to regain my fitness, and have even attempted on a number of occasions to start racing again, but I have to admit that I have never reached the same competitive heights.
Maybe it’s my increasing age, my reduced level of commitment to train multiple hours each week, or indeed the longer-term damage to my heart and lungs, but it is just not the same.
There is also an increasing acceptance that I am just happy to be here, and that I don’t need to prove myself to anyone.
I have a thriving fitness business, a stable home life, and at my core am content with the person I have become. I hope that there are many more years ahead of me to live out my dreams, pursue my goals, and positively touch the lives of as many people as I can.
As I type this, 10 years after that special day, I find myself treading a familiar path. My health is again slowly declining, my heart rhythm is increasingly wonky, I am breathless with only moderate exertion, and I find myself often feeling tired and worn out.
Given my history, I can rationalise that this was inevitable.
I still don’t like it.
I am hopeful that there is still plenty of time before I have to go under the surgeon’s knife again, but whatever the future holds, I know that I am ready.
So what has this journey taught me, and what can you learn?
Never judge a book by its cover! – Likely quite a few of you reading this will be surprised by this revelation. After all, I am Beth the fitness instructor, Beth the ex-athlete, Beth the apparent picture of health.
What you can see on the outside, often does not relate to the inside.
When we see someone with no hair, we tend to assume that they have cancer. An amputee with a missing limb, a ‘shaky’ person with Parkinson’s disease, a stroke survivor with a drop foot, a person sporting an oxygen tank, someone in a wheelchair – it is hard not to draw a conclusion and treat them differently.
Quite likely they don’t want your help or pity. They just want to be seen as a normal person. If they look like they are struggling with something – ask if they need help. Do not assume or patronise.
By what about somebody with a more ‘hidden illness’ such as mental health problems, heart disease, epilepsy, diabetes?
Sometimes, we can’t easily understand what struggles a person has. I don’t know if it is easier to have a visible or hidden illness, but I do know that we need not to superficially judge what we first see.
We can but stop, ask questions, be a good friend, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on.
**Stop judging others (and yourself) and see how much better you feel!**
The mind creates in reality what we think about! – In spite of my ‘diagnosis’, I still see myself as a healthy person who has the ability to achieve fitness-related goals – or at least as much as any regular 42 year old!
Sure, I am unlikely to ascend to my previous competitive heights, but there is so much more that I still want to.
My expectations of myself are not lower, they are just modified. I refuse to take on the mantra that my fitness life is over, and I will continue to explore up to, and indeed over, those mental boundaries.
My physical limitations I have to accept and come to terms with, but I don’t want to build myself a mental prison as well.
One of the best aspects of my work is that I meet people every day who are triumphing over adversity, making the most of their time here on earth, and pushing back at that little voice in their head that says ‘you have this diagnosis, now take it easy’.
I try not to assume or judge what anyone is capable of. I don’t care what your problem is – medically I likely understand it, but it doesn’t define who you truly are or what you can do with your life!
If you want to set a physical goal and I can help, let’s work out a way together to get it done.
I despise labels – the ones others give us and perhaps more importantly, the ones which we give ourselves.
If your self-talk keeps telling you that you are fat, ugly, uncoordinated, not as clever as other people…..it should come as no surprise that you can’t get away from that definition.
It is what is known as stinking thinking, and it holds us where we are and prevents us from moving forwards.
**Clean up the negativity in your mind, and you will be amazed what you can achieve.**
The human body is designed to move! – listen to your body and mind, but always be prepared to double-check if they are telling the truth. Excuses seem to rule the world, and it is incredibly easy to give ourselves an ‘out’ when we are facing a challenge.
It doesn’t take much to come up with an excuse, to blame somebody or something else for our own shortcomings – we all do it from time to time. Yet, the only way to be a real success as a person is to take full responsibility for where you find yourself.
Earlier this year I realised that I was allowing my health and poor energy levels to act as an excuse for why I wasn’t taking more regular exercise. I felt truly terrible most days, dragging myself to work and often faking the enthusiasm necessary to do my job.
The problem is that the less you do, the less you become able to do, and I was well and truly in a rut. I had stopped taking care of me, and the physical side of my being which needs nurture just like any other wasn’t getting its due.
I looked hard at myself and realised that I needed to take time out of my day on a regular basis to do some structured exercise. It hasn’t been easy, but 5 months on I feel massively better in both my mental and physical health.
It hasn’t been a huge commitment time wise, just 4 or 5 hours a week, but the transformation in me has been remarkable. I am still tired and still cranky, but my mental belief is strong and pulls me through.
**Do some exercise on a regular basis and see how much more energy you have!**
You are infinitely more powerful than you imagine! – Around 20 years ago I encountered the Spinning® indoor cycling programme, and its charismatic founder, Johnny G. At first I was a class participant, and fairly soon an instructor, a passion which I still have to this day.
I simply love allowing myself to be taken on a journey on a bike, where the focus can be drawn away from outward expression and towards our internal spirit. Johnny taught me the concept that ‘your mind leads your body’, and that we all have the power within us to be bigger and better than we ever imagined.
In the safety of the cycle studio I can push myself outside of my comfort zone and explore the mental and physical therein. I can push forwards and see what is on the other side, or chose to turn away. I have absolute control of my destiny.
I have learned an incredible amount about myself whilst on the bike, either in a class or out on the road. That inner strength which I have nurtured is locked away, ready to be called upon whenever I need.
Find that activity which for you nurtures your mind, body and spirit. It needs to be something where your mind is allowed to wander and you have time to be at one with your thoughts.
For me it involves physical discomfort, for that is when I feel most powerful and in control, but for you it might be yoga, a peaceful walk or just sitting on a surfboard in the ocean.
**Whatever it is, indulge your passion often, and see how much stronger you become!**
We all need the support of other people! – I don’t know whether it is the fact that I am an only child, or maybe that I felt from an early age that I didn’t want people to care for me in case they got hurt if I became unwell (I think this is a common issue for those with potentially life-limiting conditions) but I have always been a strongly independent soul.
Unfortunately, that pushing people away has led to periods of great loneliness in my life. I have slowly learned that it is not bad to let people in, to seek support and to show my authentic self to the world.
When I look back at my triathlon career, I could not have done it if it wasn’t for the people I surrounded myself with. From my training buddies, to my coaches, to my family and friends. They all came on the journey with me and I was stronger because I had their support.
My health struggles have been the same. I have a select few friends with whom I share my innermost worries, and that has enabled me to stay strong and positive.
We all need other people around us. My best friend is somebody I met in the run up to my last surgery, a lady who is far more of an athlete than I will even be. I originally held her in awe (she has rowed in the Commonwealth games, walked to both poles, climbed most things worth going up etc.), and yet once we spoke, the boundaries were broken down and we have been great friends ever since.
Sometimes, support comes from unlikely sources. I connect with so many of my clients, perhaps because I recognise in them the determination to do their best in spite of their challenges. Nobody has it easy, but if you want to achieve something, it always pays to get a good ‘team’ around you.
**Give your time to those around you, and see how much support comes back to you!**
You only get one life….and it is short! – It is corny but true. This here and now is the only one you are going to get. If you are not leading the best life you can, then you need to change. If you want to achieve something, you had better be prepared to invest 100% in getting there.
Don’t lead a small life because you are too scared to find out if you can make your dreams come true.
If I had taken my heart issues fully on-board and listened to all of those naysayers who told me that I should not be an athlete, it was too risky to go and live in another country, that I shouldn’t give up a stable job to start a business because the economy was ‘bad’ and my health was poor, then I wouldn’t have done half of the things that I have in life.
I have an acquaintance right now who is giving up a huge portion of her life to pursue the dream of working in the exercise on prescription field, just because it ‘feels right’. I have absolute admiration and know that she is doing the right thing.
You see, if you listen to that voice in your head, and don’t idly accept that where you are right now is as good as it can be, it is amazing what you can achieve.
My big determination in life is to live without regret. I don’t want to look back on my death bed and wish that I had grabbed those opportunities, tried to do something different or allowed myself to be less of a person than I was destined to be.
Grab life by the horns. Follow a different road if it feels right. If you are not happy, then figure out what it will take for you to be happy, and then take the necessary action to get there.
Do not wait for the perfect moment because it will never come, and even if it does it may be too late.
To borrow a saying from the late Stephen R Covey – “To live, to love, to learn, to leave a legacy. That’s what we all want.”
**Be brave and bold, and never accept less of yourself than your best.**
And so I leave you, at the end of what has been a way longer post than I intended.
Hopefully you gained an insight into my character, and by default can see your own path a little clearer.
I welcome your feedback or your questions. Simply send me an email to beth@merlinfitness.com
Your friend and confidante,
Beth
