22 things you (probably) didn’t know about me

I have been seeing a lot of blog posts recently titled ’25 random things you didn’t know about me’, and often they make interesting reading. I decided to compose my own list, and if you are wondering about the numerical discrepancy, then I will let you know that 22 is my favourite number. You might understand why when you read the list below.

I don’t want this whole list to be a simple list of my own achievements, but rather a retrospective look back at my life so far, where I have been successful and areas which need work. I will warn you, it is my longest post by far, and yes it is all about me! I wrote it absolutely from the heart, not only because this is my blog and I can (wink), but also because by reading about me you might even learn something about yourself. Alright, some of the points are pure frivolity, but it pays to have a laugh in amongst the serious stuff.

I was born 40 years ago today, October 22^nd 1972, the only child of two amazing parents. I am proud to be their daughter. The last four decades have been interesting, with incredible highs and sickening lows. I wouldn’t say that I have enjoyed every moment of it, but it has definitely brought me to where I am today. I take 100% responsibility for how I have reacted to its many twists and turns, and do not regret any of the choices which I have made. I hade made my mistakes, and will make more in the future, but the overall trend has been good. I am still working out who I really want to be in life, but plan on continuing to have plenty of fun whilst I figure it out!
I am an utter perfectionist. I am not sure that this is a trait I am proud of as it is crippling at times. It’s too easy to for me hold off doing something whilst waiting for the perfect moment, when in reality life is marching on regardless. I have to constantly remind myself of the saying ‘imperfect action is better than perfect inaction’. I also have mild (or sometimes not so mild!) OCD, and a need to control every situation. Life for me got a lot easier when I started to accept these things about myself and to work around them, rather than see them as negatives. Nobody is perfect, and being too hard on ourselves just leads to unhappiness.
My Dad’s nickname for me when I was a child was Twopence (pronounced tuppence). I am sure that it was because I was such a tiny baby, but the joke used to be that the family cat was called Penny and I was worth twice the cat. Considering my love of cats that is actually quite flattering!
I won a regional art competition as a ten year old. I still have the Christmas card which I made, and can honestly say that it wouldn’t sell very well – it had a black background for a start! As a prize I received £10 in a new Lloyds bank account, and a presentation from a member of the British womens pentathlon team and a Plymouth Argyle goalkeeper! I am sure the moment was entirely lost on me, and still today I am generally not impressed by people who are popularly regarded as stars in the sporting, musical or celebrity world. I would rather acknowledge the remarkable people I come onto personal contact with – Sue Elmes, Jane Cripps, Eden Burrell, Pippa Waller, Fiona Dilorenzo, Allan Monks, Paul Willgoss, Steve Bradley, Paul Bradbury and countless others who don’t take the easiest choice when it comes to dealing with the physical cards which life has dealt.
At school, my artistic side also manifested itself with cross stitch, and until recently my Mums house had all sorts of my samplers and pictures hung on the walls (its a good job our parents appreciate what is often not great work). Even back then, cross-stitch appealed to my sense of order (see point 2), with the need for each top stitch to point the same way. I had an amazing needlework teacher, Mrs Thomas, whilst I was at the wonderfully named ‘Busy Bees’ junior school. I stopped nurturing my artistic talents many years ago, so I guess I will never know if I am the next Picasso – for that I am sure that the world is thankful.
I sang in the choir all the way through senior school. I am not entirely clear if I was there on merit or consistency in turning up for practice. These days I am about as much likely to sing in public as I am to dye my hair blue, pierce my nose or wear a mini skirt – and no I won’t be doing any of those either no matter how much money you offer me!
My parents made incredible sacrifices to send me to private schools, which on reflection was a decision for which I am genuinely grateful. I was (and still am) an incredible loner, and find it very hard to fit in with others. At the time I was much less comfortable than I am now about being myself, and feel sure that if I went to a bigger public school I would have been bullied and miserable. Private school allowed me to be myself, to live on the periphery of the ‘in’ groups, and to be encouraged in the areas in which I could be successful. I am still too lazy to be pretentious, or to work hard at appearing to be something which I am not. I won’t hide my flaws, or over exaggerate my gifts, and hope to be remembered as somebody who was genuine in everything they said and did.
I was never a great student at school and realistically failed to fulfil much of my potential, or indeed to live up to the faith which my parents put in me to build a good career. I do have 9 GCSE’s, 2 A-levels and a mediocre degree, but these say pretty much nothing about the direction which my life has taken or the person I have become. I finally threw away my old school reports a few years ago, as I just couldn’t stand re-reading the many ‘could do better’ comments. I had an ability to excel in things which interested me, and to do equally badly in things which didn’t. My results were as much based on my feelings of empathy with the teacher as they were with my understanding of their subject. Thankfully as an adult, I have the option to generally shape my life to suit my own interests. These days I study from choice as it helps me to keep my brain active, and invariably have at least one course on the go at any one time. I have just finished a creative writing course and am currently onto genetics. The photo at the bottom is of me ‘studying’ my Mums Open Universtiy notes at 20 months old – its a shame my academic prowess didn’t last!
My Dad died very unexpectedly in September 1999, aged just 55. I was living in Florida at the time, and got ‘that phone call’ early one morning. It definitely changed the course of my life, and even now it is a rare few days when my Dad doesn’t pop into my head at some point. His death shaped even more my realisation of how short life is, and how I need live the life I want now and not wait for some mysterious point in the future. My Dad seemed to spend a lot of his life waiting until he could retire and do the things which he really wanted to, which of course is time which he ultimately never got. Life is short and fragile, so be very careful that you don’t live a lie whilst waiting to become the person you were meant to be.
I have a chequered relationship history. My first boyfriend, about 20 years my senior, attempted to rape me, and the rebound second wasn’t much better. My need to be loved definitely clouded my judgement. I hit an all-time low emotionally, but was thankfully saved by somebody who will likely never know how important they are (see point 21). I eventually went on to marry a lovely American guy, but our lives were heading in different direction and it didn’t last. I have effectively been single for the last 10 years, and do wonder if I am likely to stay that way. I find it hard to open up and really trust other people. Of course if you don’t then you are unlikely to connect at a level which brings a meaningful relationship, and if you cannot love yourself you won’t be able to give it in return.
I am incredibly lucky to have three wonderful true friends in my life. I can be a rather selfish person, and the fact that these individuals allow me to have a place in their life is, to put it politely, pretty darned cool of them. I am not sure what I bring them in return, but I am confident that none of them are keeping score so I should be ok. I can but say a big thank you to James Musters, Mark Langdon and Rachel Andrews, for helping to make me the person I am. It would of course be remiss for me to not also mention my Mum, Ann, who has never ceases to guide and support me, often when I was least deserving of her love. Those ‘could do better’ reports still apply!
I have a large collection of elephant ornaments, stuffed toys etc. which I started in my childhood, now all kept in boxes in the loft. I am not sure where the fascination with this great mammal came from, but the irony of my choice is not lost on me today. I had some surgery a few years ago which damaged my short term memory, and I struggle to remember names, times, dates and other pertinent details about my day to day life. I have learnt to joke about it to hide what is actually a real discomfort and embarrassment , and use a number of ‘crutches’ which allow me to hide the problem as much as possible. If you come to my indoor cycle classes you will likely be familiar with the dog-eared index cards I put on the handlebars – they serve to remind me of the class profile so I know what is coming next, and equally importantly the names of the people in the class! If I ever ask your name multiple times, repeatedly question what time we are meeting, or forget to do something I agreed to, please be gentle with me as I promise that it is not deliberate or meant to offend.
I have an A-level in cookery, not bad for somebody who realistically has no patience when it comes to food. My specialty was cake decorating, and I became proficient at making little flowers and leaves. I suppose it appealed to my sense of order and geometry, although in the last two decades I have gone from seeking perfection to most of my meals looking like a dog’s dinner, and probably being eaten out of a bowl. If it takes more than 10 minutes to prepare, I have almost certainly eaten something else.
I am unbelievably shy, and find pretty much all forms of social interaction difficult. Part of this is a low level of self-confidence, compounded by my introverted nature. It’s something which I have learned to deal with over the years. We all have weaknesses in life, and only by facing them can we come out stronger. I have learned to teach fitness classes, speak to a large audience, and strike up conversations with strangers. I can’t say that I always enjoy it, but only by reaching out to others can I get feedback in return. Life is a two-way conversation, not a monologue. As I give, so shall I receive, and not just in a religious sense.
I am a personal trainer because exercise has changed my life. It took me from being the sickly child to good amateur athlete, and gave me a sense of achievement which nothing else did. On-going health problems mean that I am slowly losing that outlet, and my ability to do many activities which I previously enjoyed is being taken away. I struggle to moderate my own expectations of myself but have to accept that I am unbelievably fortunate to still enjoy the quality of life which I do. My focus is shifting, and if nothing else it has increased my sense of empathy for those who still want to get the most from their bodies in spite of long-term illness or injury. These things are not a reason to do nothing, but just a challenge to be worked around. I have been forced to set myself very different goals, and I will be stepping on stage in 2013 as a 40-year old figure competitor (natural body building) – there now that gave you a laugh!
I love being near, in or on the water. I hadn’t been sailing until I was probably 12, but since then it has definitely been in my blood. Still one of my greatest friends, Mark Langdon, taught me to sail as a teenager, and I spent way more time racing on boats than I did studying through my school years. My dream was to become a professional sailor, but of course my Dad had other ideas and I was persuaded to go to university. One of my main motivations for originally moving to Florida was to buy a boat and sail around the world, but in spite of owning several sailboats I have yet to fulfil my ambition. My heart beats faster just thinking about it, and I am pretty sure that one day I will make it a reality. You may not be able to live out your dreams today, but I would bet you can still do something to make sure you are moving in the right direction.
Similar theme to above, I have a tiny nautically themed cottage in the Cornish countryside. When I moved back from Florida in 2002 I was hopeful that I would buy a waterside property, little realising how prices had increased over the preceding eight years. Instead I have a very rural mid-terrace cottage, decorated in blue and white, to make me imagine I have the view I desire. Even if I can’t yet afford my dream property, I can still enjoy living in the substitute.
I was born with multiple congenital heart defects, and have had several open heart surgeries to get me to this point. In spite of the influence which my health is now having on my life, I wouldn’t swap this fact for anything. I am pretty sure when I say that had I not been faced with this condition over the years, I likely wouldn’t have accomplished what I have. So many people don’t want to face their own mortality, and yet I see the awareness of the finite nature of life as an absolute gift. Do not allow yourself to fear the future, but instead ensure that today counts towards building the life and legacy which you want.
When I decided to become a triathlete in 1995, I could only swim doggy paddle or back stroke as I didn’t like putting my face in the water! James introduced me to Cav Cavanaugh, a member of the local swimming club, who adeptly took me back to basics, and literally and figuratively gave me my flippers. Those few hours which he spent teaching me how to do the front crawl opened up many more years of enjoyment and competition. What James had kindly omitted to tell me (he knew that I wouldn’t go if he did) was that Cav was a champion swimmer, and holds multiple world records in the pool. Cav’s kindness reminds me how important it is to always take the time to nurture those who can benefit from your skills or knowledge. Both are less powerful when kept to yourself, and you never know when even your smallest actions can completely change the course of somebody else’s life.
Aside from two 18-month periods working for DEFRA and then the NHS, I have always been self-employed. I like the feelings of being in control of my own destiny, and to be able to make my life what I want it to be. Admittedly, I have never really become as successful as I would like, and financially it has always been a struggle. Ironically I find it hard to ask for money, whether because I don’t believe enough in the value of the service which I provide, or allow my self-worth to govern what I feel comfortable charging. I know that I am a bloomin good fitness professional, and years of hard won experience and time in mastering my craft, and try to bring a special level of empathy with every client. I will never stop learning from other trainers, or indeed my clients. When I stop caring about my clients and classes, it will be time to find a new direction in life. Until then, I promise to always bring my best, and if I don’t then you have my permission to call me out. In return I ask that my clients do the same. Only you can truly hold yourself accountable for what to takes to get where you want to be.
I have gone through several periods of significant depression in my life, and have an almost daily struggle not to stay on top of my negative thoughts. I don’t want to diagnosis or to take pills to cover up how I am feeling. It is up to me to see the positives in my life. I probably owe my life to an incredible American man, Doug Crawford, with whom I had an 8-month relationship when I was at university. We lost touch soon after, and I have never had the opportunity to thank him for what he did, and I suspect he doesn’t realise the significance of it anyway. He was quite a few years my senior, and had a zest for life and bettering himself which I have never seen since. I was a generally unhappy twenty-something year old, who thought that life had dealt me a crappy card on many fronts, and saw being miserable as a way to attract much-wanted attention. He sat me down one day and said ‘ I love you but just don’t want to be around you when you are like this, as it is not healthy for me or you, and if you can’t sort it out then you will have to leave’ (we were living together at the time). To say I was hurt was the understatement, but until then I had failed to appreciate that my actions had an effect on others, and that although I may not be in charge of what happened to me in life, I was 100% in charge of how I chose to live. I will likely never be free of my depression, but I manage it because it is not the sort of person I want to be.
During the last few years of my life I have allowed myself to have too many excuses for why my life is not the way I want it to be – why my business is not the success it should be, why I don’t have the body I dream about, why I am not in a fulfilling relationship and so on. Some of those excuses are very legitimate and very real, yet still they are allowing me to hold myself back. Even more insidious, they are acting as a false comfort blanket, which is smothering my ability to take action. If you don’t get anything else from reading this, I want you to join me in taking a good hard look at your life, and what you need to do to become the person you really want to be. If you want something badly enough, you will find a way. I am laying myself bare so you can see my flaws, and perhaps recognise some of them in yourself. The world had better watch out, as the next year is going to be the one where I really start to become the person I want to be. Some of you will choose to be a part of that journey and some will not. The roller coaster is leaving, so now is the time to take your seat.