I have now been out of the hospital for four fabulous weeks, and it feels like starting over. Every day, I get a little stronger, fitter and healthier, and can feel my vitality and zest for life returning. I feel truly blessed to have another ‘second chance’ and am determined to make the most of it. If you have missed the earlier parts of this story, you can read part 1 and part 2 here.
I am a spiritual rather than religious person, but can’t help thinking that having been as seriously ill as I was, I must still be here for a reason. I have unfinished business to attend to, and evidently my legacy is not yet complete. It’s time to get to work!
I have been keeping myself busy over the last month, including day trips with my Mum to Truro, Exeter and Plymouth, a public speaking course in London with the amazing Pete Cohen and Tim Dingle, followed by a wonderful stay with my cousin in Brighton whom I hadn’t seen in over 20 years!
Back to work
On Monday, I also went back to work in my studio. After almost three months away from my business, I was excited to get back and see all my clients. So many of them have hugged me, bought me flowers and chocolates, sent cards and texts, that it is impossible for me not to acknowledge that I have a positive effect in other people’s lives. That feels good.
Yet the reality is that I get as much, if not more, in return. I feel incredibly fortunate to love my job and the inspirational clients I get to share my working life with – it truly is the best medicine for us all!
I had plenty of time to think about my legacy whilst confined to the hospital (I sadly won’t have children), and it simply confirmed that I am on the right track. The exact method of delivery may change in the future, but my calling is to help people with long-term medical conditions to experience the joy of movement, and to encourage us all to celebrate what we can achieve, rather than mourn what we can’t.
My roller-coaster health journey over the years have certainly made me the person I am, but without those challenges I am not sure that I would feel as passionately as I do about what I know is my life’s mission. I am just like you, having been shaped by my experiences. I can use them either to spur me on or hold me back.
Starting over
Change is hard, more so when it is forced upon us rather than by choice. All too often, a significant health crisis robs us of parts of our identity, knocks our self-confidence, and requires as much of a psychological recovery as a physical one. This has certainly been true for me, but I am getting better at bouncing back and finding the positives is all of life’s lessons.
In many respects, last year’s stroke and loss of sight in my left eye was much harder to deal with than this current episode. It resulted in a permanent loss of vision which I cannot bring back, or particularly compensate for, no matter how much I want to. My heart on the other hand is a muscle, and muscles can be trained to be stronger and more efficient. I strongly believe that the fitter I am, the more resilient to future obstacles I will be.
The infection which took hold in my heart, and the necessary emergency surgery to repair the damage, has undoubtedly changed my capabilities, but I don’t yet know which of those limitations can be overcome. I am not sure what the legacy will be, whether I will ultimately end up as fit as I was before, or if there will be consequences which force me to make modifications to my expectations of myself.
That lack of certainty is un-nerving. I would love to tell you that I will thrive either way and that the outcome doesn’t matter, but the reality is that to me it does! There is a daily struggle to accept that I should make more allowances as I get older, that my body doesn’t perform quite like it used to, or that my health issues give me any form of ‘excuse’ not to be the person that I want to be.
I am optimistic that I will make a full recovery!
To me, fitness isn’t just one thing; it is a combination of attributes which when combined allow me to function and move with ease through my daily activities. I want to be cardiovascularly fit, physically strong and toned, flexible enough to move well, and hopefully injury and relatively pain free. It takes consistent daily effort to move towards that ideal, and at any one time I am either improving or regressing. Fitness certainly gets harder to maintain as I get older, but nothing accelerates the decline quicker than inactivity.
Over the three months of my illness and hospitalisation, I lost much of my previous ability. I went from being someone who could run or bike for several hours, to struggling to walk at anything other than a slow pace on flat terrain. It now seems that every part of my body aches and complains when I ask it to perform very minor tasks, I gasp for air and am forced to stop when walking up any minor incline, and my physique has changed from muscular and athletic to saggy and fat.
Finding positives
I could allow this new reality to get me down, but this is not my way in life. No matter how bleak a situation seems, I always seek the positives. I decided post-surgery that I had hit my low point, and that the only way was up. I acknowledged and accepted my situation, but made a conscious choice that I would not allow it to define my ability going forwards.
Starting over is not something to be feared. The fabulous thing about being massively unfit is that I really don’t have to work too hard to see and feel improvements. If I take regular exercise, eat well and sleep well, then I know that improvements will come and I will have my reward. I don’t need to be prefect, just consistent in doing a little more to get better every day.
Since I left the hospital, with few exceptions I have been getting some form of exercise for at least an hour each day. To begin with this was simply slow walking to work on cardiovascular fitness and endurance, but I have now added in some strength-based workouts in the gym (machines and free-weights) to rebuild my weakened muscles. I am starting to include some intensity, and this evening am planning on my first run/walk session.
I am excited by the possibilities
On Wednesday attended my first indoor cycle class since early March. I was rubbish, truly rubbish, but I loved reconnecting with Mark, the instructor, and my classmates, many of whom I have been working out with for years. I laid that line in the sand and acknowledged where I am, so now I have a level from which to build.
So many people have commented that they didn’t expect me to return to the gym or activity so soon, and that I should be resting more and ‘taking it easy’. I know why they say this and their good intentions, but I was sitting in a hospital and not doing a lot physically for two months, so that last thing I need is more rest. To recover and get stronger, I need to move!
I am fortunate to have understanding doctors who trust me to be at least a little sensible with my expectations, but the reality is that my current reduced fitness levels are governors in themselves. There is no need for me to add further restrictions.
I simply can’t run and bike for hours, lift heavy weights or move with my usual ease. My body just won’t do it. Every time I push myself I inevitably need more rest, but in that moment, I know I will adapt to those demands and move towards making them my ‘normal’. The confines I now feel in my life are one of the biggest motivators to keep challenging myself to improve. I can, and will, be better than I am today.
Throughout my life, I have never been one to shy away from exploring my limits and pushing the boundaries. It is probably a reason why I have been so successful at trying different activities, travelling, exploring and doing all sorts of fun stuff.
My one chance at life
I don’t believe for one minute believe that I am unbreakable, but I have an overwhelming feeling that this is my one chance at life and I intend to make the most of it. It is my biggest goal to go to my grave without regrets. I have the choice to play safe and simply accept my limitations, or push through to lead the best life I can by working around them.
My readers will have many different goals and aspirations, but for me, that definition of my ideal self is as someone who is not held back physically or mentally by my situation and history.
I am of course forced to accept certain limitations and compromises, and inevitably there will be more as I get older and encounter new challenges. Doubtless, I will have to get used to starting over. We are all shaped by our circumstances, but my goal is not to allow them to dictate what I achieve.
I feel that the more ‘space’ I give the negative possibilities in my mind, then the more likely they are to rob me of my inner strength and power to overcome the obstacles which invariably lie ahead. If I dwell on the what ifs, then that fear and uncertainty has an opportunity to grow and consume my thoughts, holding me back from making the most of my life.
Whereas I don’t believe that positive thinking can solve all my problems, I do think that without it, I am more likely to fall into the paralysing trap of fear and worry. To emotionally grow in life, I need to push out of my comfort zone, and find the strength to embrace my challenges rather than withdraw – all hard to achieve when faced with a negative mindset about my future.
The voice in my head
I am particularly careful not to fully trust the little voice of excuses in my head (we all have one). It would be easy to be held back by its lies. I could easily convince myself of the story that my heart is now so damaged that I will never be able to regain my previous levels of fitness, that I risk making things worse if I push myself, that ‘bad’ things might happen in the future so I should just enjoy my situation as it stands, or that I am now too slow to enjoy exercising with my friends.
Piffle! (I have always wanted to write that somewhere in a blog)
I would not be telling the truth if I told you that those thoughts have never crossed my mind. I just know that although these are not unfounded fears, I will live less of a life if I give in to the worry or ‘what if’ scenarios.
Do you have stories and excuses which are holding you back?
How many times have you said to yourself, ‘I can’t do x because of y?’ Look carefully at your vocabulary and be honest if it is 100% truthful, or based more on a perception which you have about yourself and your capabilities. We all live our lives based on our beliefs; some serve us well and others do not. Often, it is our beliefs which must change, before we can move beyond our current situation.
I am not saying that we all have the capability to run marathons or climb Everest (or achieve any other big goal), but that sometimes we allow ourselves to hide behind restrictions which do not in reality exist. Many of the stories we tell ourselves, we do so to comfort and protect us from the realisation that we can be so much more than we are today.
It just seems safer to assume that we can’t do things, rather than to try and risk the possibility of failure. To truly live a life without limits, we need to take on those challenges, especially if our current situation doesn’t make us happy.
I am not a runner
I spent many of my late teenage years believing that I couldn’t run, and indeed every time I tried, the evidence simply built up in my head that I was right – I got breathless, hot, and quickly ran out of steam. The funny thing is that everyone feels this way if they have never run before, not just people with heart conditions like mine.
I persevered because I REALLY wanted to be able to run with my then boyfriend, and at some point, my motivation to succeed became greater than my fear of the unknown. Guess what, over time that 5-minute breathless waddle turned into a 15-minute trot and ultimately the ability to run marathons and more.
It didn’t happen overnight, and setbacks, illness and injury have meant that I am forever starting over. But had I stopped all those years ago, I would never have enjoyed the many years of competition I did, would have missed out of meting some amazing people who I am now proud to call my friends, and my world would have been much poorer for it.
Now, it might well be that your goals are not related to physical fitness, but I would bet that there is something in your life that you have been putting off making a start because of an obstacle in your mind.
Defining your fears
Ask yourself what the worst that could happen is if you just tried, what steps you could take to reduce the chance of that bad outcome, and perhaps most importantly, what you would gain if you were to succeed. In doing this, often we find that the upside potential is so much greater than the negative risk, and that is just the realisation we need to take that first step.
I watched a brilliant TED talk by Tim Ferris earlier this week on just that, and it is worth a few minutes of your time if you have fears which hold you back. https://www.ted.com/talks/tim_ferriss_why_you_should_define_your_fears_instead_of_your_goals
I still have a very long way to go to be back to the person I was earlier in the year, and I know that the return of my fitness will not be a linear journey. Starting over is hard. There have already been days when I have found myself caught in a ‘funk’ of negativity, and feeling frustrated by an apparent lack of progress.
I am aware, for instance, of my breathlessness walking uphill, the annoying palpitations and feelings of anxiety about every little potential symptom, and am left to wonder if this is my new normal.
The honest answer is that I don’t know, but unless I work consistently on my fitness, I will never really find out what my new reality is. Just imagine if I could be better than it was before! One thing is for sure, if my expectations are that I cannot get better, then it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Life lessons
In closing, I thought that I would share some of the lessons which I have taken from my experiences this year. I journal every day, and often write these little sentences so I can refer to them when I am seeking inspiration. Why not spend some time defining your own set of principals?
- My current situation only defines my future if you allow it to do so.
- Never accept less of yourself than your best.
- Do not fear adversity – it is my greatest teacher and opportunity for growth.
- Everything happens for a reason – yes, everything.
- My best life is ahead – keep moving forwards, one step at a time.
- Consistency of action is key to reaching any meaningful goal.
- The journey isn’t smooth, and there will be times when I am filled with fear and doubt – this is ok, but not if I chose to dwell there.
- Acknowledge the past and what it has contributed to my story – but live in the present whilst looking to the future.
- Optimism and positivity can’t solve everything – but it certainly makes life more fun and enjoyable.
- This is my one life – do not hold back.
Your ‘starting over’ friend.
Beth
